Living on Purpose - My Story
It’s one of those days that I remember vividly. I had gotten in trouble at home AGAIN and was put on punishment meaning no phone, no hanging out with friends, nothing. I was a senior in high school and my year wasn’t going well at all. In fact, I was on the verge of not graduating high school due to my poor grades. I was depressed and honestly felt hopeless. So the only solution in my mind to end my pain and everyone else’s was to end my life. So that day, I attempted suicide and by the grace of God, I survived. I’ll never forget this day because many times I ask God “why?” Why did I survive? Why did He choose to spare my life when I wasn’t even thinking of Him at the time. In those moments, I’m reminded of how God truly has a plan and purpose for my life.
I survived that day only feeling extremely sick. I was home alone and when my mom and sister came home, I didn’t tell them. I was in weekly counseling at that time and at every session, my therapist would ask if I had suicidal thoughts. I would always say no but about a week after my attempt, I decided to share what happened. She asked if I attempted suicide and I told her yes. That night, I was admitted into the psychiatric wing of our children’s hospital where I stayed the entire weekend. I went through multiple therapy sessions that weekend and in the end, I was diagnosed as having mild depression and was given medication.
I went back to school and subsequently graduated high school and went to college that Fall. Even though I still struggled with my mental health and even had to return home after my first year away, I don’t remember returning to the dark place I was in when I attempted suicide.
To this day, I honestly believe it was God that healed my mind and continues to keep me to this day.
Although I haven’t had any thoughts of suicide in 10 years, I still have to be aware of where my mind goes. I’m naturally very in touch with my emotions and I’m just a more emotional person overall which is a great thing. But I have to be careful of not allowing my thoughts and feelings to become the focal point in my life. I have to be aware of what I’m feeling, how long I’ve been feeling it, if I’ve been sleeping more than usual, if I feel hopeless and if I stop keeping up with my appearance. Those are all triggers to let me know that I’m slipping into a depressive state.
I share my story to let others who have attempted suicide or have suicidal thoughts know that they are not alone. One of the biggest reasons why people attempt suicide or have suicidal thoughts is because they feel alone. You are not alone. Even if there is no one else physically around you, God is always with you.
One scripture that helps me feel comforted is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This helps me to remember that I have a purpose here on this earth and even when I feel like everything is stacked against me and I cannot see a way out, I have the assurance that God has a plan for me.
I also suggest therapy for EVERYONE! I was in therapy for about 2 years when I was a teen and I’ve been back in therapy for the last 3 or 4 years and I more than likely will remain in therapy for the rest of my life. Therapy holds me accountable and allows me to be completely honest about my feelings with someone which has always been hard for me to do. I believe everyone should visit a therapist at least once in their lifetime to talk through their thoughts and feelings. I’ve been working to heal my feelings of abandonment that stems from traumatic events that took place when I was a child. I’m working to live like my life has a purpose as Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me. I don’t just exist to solely exist. There is a purpose I’m meant to fulfill and it’s bigger than what I can see with my eyes at this moment.
In 2016, I decided to get a tattoo. It was my first and only tattoo that shows not only what I’ve been through but WHO helped me to get to the other side. My tattoo in the photo is a cross and a semi colon and it means “because of Jesus my story is never-ending.”
This means that I am only living because of Jesus and He’s the one who’s allowed my story to continue.
I’m sharing my story in honor or #suicidepreventionmonth and if you are having thoughts of suicide please call this national hotline number 1-800-273-8255.