Getting Comfortable with Intimacy in Marriage
Yes I’m talking about it! Lol I’ve always wanted this platform to be a place where I speak as transparently and openly as I am comfortable doing when it comes to my life and that includes my marriage. This topic has been on my heart for awhile now and after speaking about it briefly on Instagram Live a couple of weeks ago, I want to expound on my thoughts in a blog post.
So! I’m still getting comfortable with intimacy in marriage. It’s not something that comes up often in conversation amongst married folks but it’s real. Intimacy involves deep vulnerability and connection and that doesn’t happen just because you’re now married. It takes time to become comfortable being vulnerable with someone let alone sharing your body freely with them.
From the time we can understand what sex is, most of us have been bombarded with messages from our parents, school, church etc, warning us against the dangers of having premarital sex. These messages aren’t inherently wrong but often times these messages were filled with empty threats and didn’t really break down why we shouldn’t have sex before marriage. These messages also didn’t educate us on what to do when we’re married and it’s appropriate to have sex and experience intimacy. Whether you were a virgin before you got married or you weren’t, for many of us there’s still a layer of guilt and shame that sometimes transfers to the marriage bed. And I believe this is because we aren’t guided on how to express our sexuality prior to marriage and later on with our spouse. Now I do believe that if you aren’t married you should follow the orders that God says about premarital sex and I also believe that you can express yourself sexually without dishonoring God. This helps to alleviate some of the guilt and shame we feel around the topic of sex.
Alleviating the condemnation we feel and are often made to feel when it comes to sex, will help make the transition from being single to being married and engaging in sex much smoother.
My experience with transitioning into marriage and exploring various levels of intimacy has been a journey. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married but I didn’t feel 100% comfortable being intimate with my husband in more ways than just physical sex. Even walking around with little to no clothes on sometimes felt awkward because I would question myself saying “Am I supposed to be doing this?” Of course the answer is yes lol but it didn’t always feel that way.
It was always an internal questioning going on between my husband and I until we finally had the conversation aloud together. We both shared how we felt the awkwardness when it came to this topic and we talked about where it came from and the messages we internalized. After having that conversation we felt so free! We felt more free to be ourselves and be more vulnerable which is a large part of growing in intimacy. We shared with one another how God wants us to be intimate in marriage and He wants us to explore sex with one another as husband and wife. He was pleased with it so it was ok for us to be pleased as well. Sex is more than just two bodies connecting. It’s a physical, emotional and spiritual connection that includes God and because He is pleased, we can walk in freedom in this area.
I believe we have to educate singles not just about the fact that sex and certain levels of deeper intimacy are reserved for marriage, but we have to educate them on what that means and how they don’t have to shove their feelings away or hide them but they can put them in proper context until the appropriate time. We also have to educate couples seeking marriage on what it will mean to be intimate in marriage with their spouse. What it means to connect not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. That God is indeed ok with how they will express themselves sexually in their marriage. They don’t have to be afraid of exploring intimacy with their spouse.
It’s a beautiful thing when you experience a deep connection with your spouse. That is the way God intended and designed and it’s time to take the shame and condemnation out of it!