This is definitely a topic that I’m still learning and growing in every single day but, since I was asked this in a Q&A on IG I thought I’d write about it this month as a part of my marriage series. I first want to acknowledge that I know submission has been twisted and perverted into something unbiblical and harmful to many women and I by no means want any woman to stay in an abusive marriage under the guise of “submitting” to their husband. When I speak of submission in this blog, I speak of biblical submission to a man who is also submitting himself to God.
So I was asked, “how to learn how to submit to and respect your husband” and tbh (to be honest) it wasn’t until my husband pointed it out that I realized I had work to do in the submission department. Before I was married, I never really thought I had an issue with submission as I pretty much follow the rules I’m given. I never looked at the idea of submitting to my husband as a bad thing or something I didn’t want to do. It seemed like just another aspect of marriage to me.
But as with most things that have taken place over my first year of marriage, submission looked very different once I got married. I realized that there were levels to submission and that I was not perfect at every level. And honestly, it took me by surprise how defiant I can be when I want to do things the way I want to do things.
In a general sense, I like for my husband to take the lead in our marriage and to make decisions about our future. But what he’s let me know over the course of the year is that I also like to do what I like to do lol Meaning that if there is something I do not want to do regardless if my husband says I should do it, more than likely I do not do it. ( I know, it sounds bad) Or if it’s hard for me to see the importance in doing something then I do not do it. This is the level of submission that I personally struggle with. For example, I generally don’t like having my cell phone in a phone case. My husband asked me plenty of times to buy a case for my phone because I could drop it and break it. In my head I thought since I rarely break phones that it would be ok. But one day I was out and dropped my phone and that one time I dropped it, the screen shattered.
Now before I broke my phone, I personally didn’t feel like it was a big deal but when I told my husband he was very hurt. He was hurt because he had been telling me to buy a good case for my phone and I had not submitted to him and listened to what he was telling me to do. To him, that was also a sign of disrespect.
These are the little things in marriage that we may overlook that can hurt our partner. If left unchecked in myself, these little things can easily turn into big things in our marriage.
One of the most important Biblical mandates as a wife is to submit to and respect your husband.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” | Ephesians 5:22-23
”However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband”. | Ephesians 5:33
We all have been told this single and married alike. But what may be unclear is how exactly do we go about doing so. What I’ve learned through my battle with being unwilling to submit in my own ways is getting to the root of why I want to do things the way I want to do them instead of the way my husband suggests that I want to do them. One reason is frankly me being used to doing things on my own when I want to do them. Marriage requires two getting on one accord. Not one doing things how they’re used to doing them and expecting the other person to fall in line. I have to humble myself and understand that I am not longer operating on my own, I am operating with another person at all times. Not only that, I am called to submit to this other person under the authority of God.
Another thing I’ve learned about submitting to my husband is remembering that we’re on the same team. If I truly believe that my marriage is God ordained then that must mean we are supposed to be together and that we are on the same team. When I don’t listen to my husband I’m often communicating to him that I don’t trust what he’s suggesting and that he doesn’t have my best interest at heart. In those moments I have to remember that we are on the same team and that we will be for the rest of our lives and what he's suggesting is to help and not hurt me.
People urge and often threaten women to be submissive to their husbands but fail to give guides and grace to the process of what it takes to do so. So if you are married, give yourself grace if you struggle with submission and know that it won’t be an automatic switch. If you are single, take inventory of your life and see if you have areas in your life that you struggle with submission. Even if those areas are in relation to submitting to God, take note and slowly work on humbling yourself and submitting where applicable.
This month is all about marriage and engagement content so if you have any questions let me know!
P.S. here’s a great sermon by Dr. Tony Evans called Kingdom Marriage that talks about submission in marriage along with how God calls men to love their wives.