How to Identify Emotional Abuse

Last week I made an Instagram post talking about the amazing message Dr. Dharius Daniels shared about watching our souls. I’ve been reflecting on the various experiences I’ve had in life and although many have had an effect on me and made me into the woman I am, there’s one I would like to talk more about as I believe it will help so many others to not end up in the same place I once was.

In 2014, while attending Cleveland State University I met a guy. We became really close really fast and eventually began a relationship. Now, I’ll stop right there to do some analyzing.

RED FLAG #1: In the beginning of the relationship he moved very fast. We only knew each other one month before we began a relationship. Some relationships move fast and are completely healthy. BUT for unhealthy people and abusive relationships, moving into a relationship quickly is a red flag because often times they’re trying to hide who they really are by moving into a relationship.

So, we began a relationship which started off like any other relationship. We would hang out and have fun but there were small red flags that began to appear that I took little to no notice of. Towards the end of the summer we took a trip to Chicago to visit my sister and it was during that trip that my sister began to notice certain characteristics that were alarming.

RED FLAG #2: One evening, all four of us went out to the movies. I wanted to see a movie different than my boyfriend at the time wanted to see and because we didn’t agree, he had a complete meltdown. He got really upset and we began arguing because he wanted me to see the movie that he wanted to see. This is a red flag because typically in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser pulls and manipulates your emotions to persuade you to bend to their will. They will cry, yell, scream, do whatever they have to do to trigger your emotion to make you feel bad and do whatever they want you to do for them.

Of course, I decided to see the movie he wanted us to see and I didn’t think anything of it. Afterwards, he apologized for his actions but that became the first of many arguments followed by apologies.

After that, I slowly began to notice things but I also made excuses for them.

RED FLAG #3: I was in my senior year of college and had plans of moving to Chicago upon graduation. Every time I would talk about my plans of moving, my ex boyfriend would get extremely emotional. He would say that I was trying to leave him and that I just wanted to get away from him. Again, pulling and tugging on my emotions to bend to his will. I would be so confused and it would make me extremely sad because that was never the case. He was extremely jealous of my future plans and felt that I would be leaving him after graduation. I would have to reassure him several times that I had no plans of leaving the relationship and that I just wanted to pursue my dreams but it was never good enough.

Situations such as those began occurring more and more frequently. He would accuse me of cheating, he didn’t really want me hanging out with family and friends and if in fact we did hang out around other people, he became very secluded and isolated. His behavior around my family and friends was unusual because he was a very extroverted person, but often times unhealthy people are threatened by their partners friends and family members because they want to keep you all to themselves.

RED FLAG #4: A huge red flag came 2 months into the relationship. We had been going back and forth for several days because he thought I was cheating on him. One day we were in his dorm room talking and I made a comment that he got extremely upset about. He began yelling and cursing to the point where he pushed me as I stood up to leave. I had never been physically touched by a man before and I was in complete shock and very scared. I looked up and saw a crazed look in his eye and knew I needed to leave right then and there. He chased after me and cornered me into the emergency exit staircase. Once he realized that I wasn’t staying, he punched his hand through the glass window on the door. He had to be transferred to the ER because he fractured his hand in attempt to get me to stay at his dorm.

After that incident, my mom highly encouraged me to end things but I chose not to. Believe it or not, I felt bad for him and I wanted to stay and work things out. That is another sign that you’re in an unhealthy relationship when you begin to make excuses for unacceptable behavior including violence. There were tons of apologies and promises that he would never do it again so I stayed. But the arguments just got worse and worse to the point where we were screaming and cursing at each other on the phone.

There were many times where I felt completely empty after spending hours arguing on the phone. I walked on eggshells nervous about what to say to him to not upset him.

THE FINAL RED FLAG #5: It was December and I participated in a Kwanzaa event with an organization I was a part of at the time. My ex boyfriend attended the event but he was very quiet the entire time and did not interact with my friends and family. When it was time for me to perform he sat in the back of the gymnasium highly uninterested in what I was doing. This was because he was jealous. Emotionally abusive people get very jealous when their partner finds joy outside of them. They like to be their partners center of attention and when they’re not, they go into a fit of rage and uncontrollable emotions. Once my performance was over and it was time for us to leave, my ex boyfriend stormed out of the event. When I got outside, he began accusing me of cheating on him with a friend of mine who I had known for years. There was no reassuring him that it wasn’t true. I dropped him off at his place and like clockwork, we began arguing aggressively and broke up that night.

For the next month, we went back and forth with the idea of getting back together but he knew that he was in total control of our relationship so he began putting me down verbally and would call me out of my name. I had to end the relationship once and for all because I knew that I didn’t deserve to be treated in that way.

Prior to ending the relationship, I prayed and asked God to end that relationship if it wasn’t good for me and He ended it before things escalated.

Often times, emotional abuse flies under the radar. It gets treated as a “normal” part of a relationship when in fact it is not normal. Some of the other signs that appeared during our relationship was isolation, he slowly isolated me from family and friends. When your partner begins putting you down and calling you names, it’s a form of emotional abuse. These red flags and the ones I listed above were things I experienced in my relationship.

I hope that anyone who reads this and has or is experiencing this type of relationship knows that they don’t deserve that type of treatment from anyone. It is ok to leave and I encourage you to before things escalate.

If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me! I would love to hear from you.