Boundaries can be a scary word for some but it is an extremely important word. “A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, co-authors of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Many of us especially Christians believe that we should fully give ourselves over to other people in servitude because that is the “Christ-like” thing to do. But in fact, Jesus exercised His own personal boundaries many times when He took time away from crowds to go and pray and connect with The Father.
Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing your identity and creating healthy relationships.
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries are a form of protection. They protect you physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and sexually. Without boundaries, we give people the room to operate in our lives however they choose to without restraint and some people choose to take advantage of others. Not all of those people are bad or mean any harm, they just need restraints. Think of it like navigating children. Most times kids are going to do what they feel they want to do and whatever they can get away with. In most cases, they don’t mean any harm but unless you place boundaries in their lives and define how they should operate, they’re going to keep doing what they feel.
When we don’t establish boundaries dictating how we expect others to treat us, we often end up hurt and feeling taken advantage of. Our mental and emotional health becomes at risk because we allow people to use us and even our finances can become affected by a lack of boundaries.
Why do we not implement proper boundaries in our life?
One of the reasons why we fail to implement boundaries in our life is fear. We are afraid to stand up for ourselves. We are afraid that setting boundaries will hurt the other person not realizing that the lack of boundaries hurts us even more. We feel that people will leave our lives if they do not agree with our boundaries even though if a person does decide to leave because we’ve decided to protect ourselves, it’s probably best that they go.
Another reason we don’t implement proper boundaries is a lack of self identity. When we don’t know who we are, it’s hard to know what we will and won’t stand for and how we will protect ourselves.
Healthy boundaries to set in your relationship
Physical
Physical boundaries protect your personal space. They stop people from envading your space whether it be by kissing, holding your hand, hugs or handshakes. Physical boundaries protect your body. Physcial boundaries also protect against abuse. For example, a boundary for you may be to not engage in any type of physical violence including pushing, slapping, punching, shoving or anything of the like.Emotional
Emotional boundaries protect your emotional health. It is important to know your place in regards to how you should feel about a situation. For example, when in relationship with your partner it’s important to not let everything that effects them effect you. Just because they’re angry about something doesn’t mean that you should be just as angry especially if the situation doesn’t involve you. Knowing what and how you should emotionally respond to a situation is setting emotional boundaries.
Not allowing a person to emotionally manipulate you is important when setting boundaries. Emotional manipulation can be subtle and hard to recognize but if someone tries to guilt or shame you into doing something that they want you to do, that is called emotional manipulation and you should not allow it.Intellectual/Mental
Intellectual/mental boundaries include protecting your thoughts and beliefs. The people that are around you should respect your thoughts and beliefs even if they are different from yours. No one should talk down to you or make you feel that you aren’t smart enough. Your opinion matters and is as relevant as anyone else’s.Financial
Financial boundaries protect your finances of course. They stop you from spending money unnecessarily on people and things. Think of it like this. You may have a family member that always seems to be having a hard time. They constantly ask you for money and have a sob story that goes with it. But because you have a financial boundary of not lending money out to that person no matter how hard they beg, you are able to turn them away and not risk your finances. You often hear about parents constantly shelling out cash to their children everytime they ask and they end up in financial ruin because of it. Also note that you don’t have to be in financial ruin to have financial boundaries. You may have an excess of money but still have financial boundaries. Remember, boundaries protect you.Sexual
Sexual boundaries protect your intimate sex life. Sexual boundaries protect you from sexual violation as much as they possibly can. For Christians, a sexual boundary includes waiting until marriage to have sex. For others it may include waiting a certain period of time to engage in sexual activity of any kind. Letting your partner know of your sexual boundaries helps to set expectations and to protect you.
How to set boundaries
Now that you know what types of boundaries you can set, it’s time to set them! The first thing you should do is evaluate your life and the areas where you feel you need to strengthen your boundaries. Write down the areas in which you have had failed friendships and relationships as this may point you in the direction of where you need to set boundaries.
Define - Identify the types of boundaries you would like to set and how you would like to set them.
Communicate - Begin to communicate to those around you what your boundaries are. Let them know how you would like to protect yourself moving forward which may include putting limits on how you spend your money or letting your partner know that you will not tolerate physical and emotional abuse and manipulation.
Stay Simple - Do not overexplain! Sometimes in an effort not to hurt someone we feel that we have to overexplain our positioning. When stating your boundaries know that you do not have to explain anything to anyone. Keep your boundary simple and focused on yourself. For example, if a friend asks you to go to an event on a night that you know you are tired or simply just do not want to go, giving a firm but polite “no” is all you need to tell them. If they try and probe you for an answer or reasoning and you do not want to share, do not feel guilty just repeat your boundary. If they try and guilt you into changing your mind, implement your emotional boundaries and do not engage. You may need to end the conversation at that point.
If a person truly wants to understand your position in regards to your boundary, you can choose to explain it to them but don’t feel that you HAVE to explain your boundary to others.
Set Consequences - This may be the hard part but it’s very important. In order for someone to take your boundaries seriously, they must know that there are potential consequences if they violate them. Consequences could be no longer engaging in particular relationships or removing certain levels of access from someone. Whatever types of consequences you choose remember that you have to stick to them as a form of boundary setting.
Boundary setting can be hard but it is important in maintaining healthy relationships with your partner, friends and family members. Hopefully this blog helps you get better at setting boundaries and maintaining your emotional and mental health.