3 Ways to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship
Intimacy can be and should be involved in romantic relationships as well as platonic and familiar relationships. We all know that we want to experience some sort of intimacy within our relationships but sometimes we don’t know what form of intimacy we need and how to build it. In this blog, we’ll break down what intimacy is and how we can begin to build it in our relationships.
What is intimacy?
in·ti·ma·cy - usually denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is often present in close, loving relationships such as marriages and friendships.
Four Types of Intimacy
There are four different types of intimacy and let’s take a look at them below.
Emotional Intimacy is the exchange of feelings and emotions. When emotional intimacy takes place, two people feel safe, comfortable and vulnerable being themselves and sharing deeper parts of their lives.
Mental Intimacy is the exchange of intellectual conversations between people. Getting to know someone and the way their mind thinks and works drives mental intimacy and closeness.
Spiritual Intimacy is the sharing of beliefs about the spiritual realm. Two people share spiritual intimacy when they share the same beliefs about spirituality and religion.
Physical Intimacy is the exchange of physical touches such as hugs, kisses, hand-holding, cuddling, sex, and any other type of physical activity.
In order to build intimacy you must first have these 5 things:
Trust - If there is no mutual trust between two people, it will be very hard to build intimacy. If there have been acts of mistrust between two people in whatever form, it will be hard to build intimacy. For many women, we have to feel that we can trust our partner with our inner feelings before we can experience emotional intimacy. If we do not feel that you are a safe space where we can trust that you will not judge us or make us feel negatively for the emotions that we have then we will be less likely to engage in emotional intimacy with you which will affect how we perform physical intimacy.
Respect - Respect is a huge thing for men. If they do not feel that their partner has respect for them, they will be less likely to engage in other forms of intimacy such as emotional intimacy. Respect means that you have due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. Respecting how someone thinks and feels is a key part of building intimacy. This lowers the protective guards that we have up and allows us to let people in to begin building intimacy.
Honesty - Honesty is a huge intimacy builder! Honesty goes hand in hand with trust because an honest person can be trusted. If there are questions about someone’s honesty and truthfulness, it will affect how intimate the couple will be able to be with one another. Think about it, if someone continuously lies to you, you will be less likely to feel comfortable sharing any part of yourself rendering intimacy unattainable.
Safety - Physical, mental and emotional safety is an important factor in building intimacy. Safety builds comfortability. For women especially, we like to feel like our partner can protect us and keep us safe both physically and emotionally. Men also like to feel that their partner is a safe space for them emotionally which stems from respect so that they can build emotional intimacy.
Communication - Being able to effectively communicate with your partner helps to build intimacy. Effective communication creates understanding and understanding builds intimacy.
3 Ways to Build Intimacy
Ok now that we know what intimacy is and 5 contributing factors that are needed to build intimacy, let’s talk about 3 ways to build intimacy with our partner.
Have Intentional Conversations - This is a form of intellectual intimacy. Having intentional conversations where you share who you are, your values, hopes and dreams will begin to build intimacy between you and your partner. Bonding over shared values and really understanding who a person is will bring 2 people closer as they realize how much they have in common. A great way to begin having these conversations is by purchasing a game like “Better Together” that gives you questions you can ask that are intentionally designed to build intimacy
Figure Out Each Other’s Love Languages and Implement Them! - This is a form of emotional intimacy. If you’ve never heard of The 5 Love Languages don’t worry, you’re in luck! According to Gary Chapman, people give and receive love in 1 of 5 different ways. These are called a person’s “love language'“ and they are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. He says that everyone gives and receives loves differently and in order to have great communication and intimacy you should learn how your partner likes to be loved. If your partner likes words of affirmation meaning they like to be complimented or verbally affirmed in order to feel loved, it’s in your best interest to find ways to show them verbal affirmation as it will help to build intimacy. It’s also fun figuring out your partner and how they experience love!
Set Time Aside to Spend Together Frequently - Spending time together can be a form of physical and emotional intimacy. This is what I like to call “date nights”! Setting time aside to spend together whether it be weekly, bi-weekly or monthly is a great way to build intimacy. Figuring out activities you 2 like to do together and then completing them will help bring you closer together. If you both are competitive, maybe you can go and play mini golf and make a friendly bet. If you both like watching movies, maybe you can cuddle up on the couch and watch a good movie together. Intentionally setting that time aside gives you something to look forward to!
Building intimacy in your relationship takes time and intentionality. Don’t feel like you have to rush and have everything figured out immediately! Also, if you have a fear of building intimacy with someone and a fear of trusting others, I would highly suggest seeing a therapist to begin working through those issues.
Talk to you on the next one!