For the past 22 years of my life I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I ALWAYS wanted to be someone else. I would change the way I talked, danced, laughed, thought, watched, basically EVERYTHING to fit in with people. Now that year 22 is ending and year 23 is beginning I am feeling more free and secure in myself than I have ever felt before!
As a kid growing up, I was a follower. I did whatever my friend group wanted to do, even if I knew it was wrong which led me down a dangerous path of sin. I didn't use my voice. I muffled every feeling I had because I felt either no one would listen or it wasn't important. As I got older and began to become more emotionally healthy, I stopped following people as much and did things the way I wanted to, but I was not truly being myself. I was trying to be the "cute little black girl". Now for those who may not know who the "cute little black girl" is, she is he girl that doesn't curse, dresses really nice and preppy, doesn't really want to get dirty, just wants to sit and be cute, keeps her hair neat, doesn't talk to people that may seem lower than her, only listens to a certain kind of music, doesn't use slang as much and is more often than not just stuck up! I wanted to be her. I didn't curse, didn't use slang as much, always wanted to be seen as classy and sophisticated, didn't want tattoos (i'll talk about that later), or do anything that would take me out of the BOX I tried to put myself in. Despite all of that, on the inside I wanted to TURN UP! I envied people who seemed to be freer than me, who seemed to have more fun than me, who seemed to be able to meet people and be friendlier than me. My way of breaking out of that box was through sin. I would get drunk, have sex, kick it and do all sorts of behaviors that I felt would release the girl I thought I truly was. But this was incorrect.
Once I got saved and stopped those behaviors, I just went back to how I felt before; TRAPPED. Over the past 2 weeks, God revealed a side to him that I had never saw. Through fasting, prayer and continuous confirmation, God has been revealing to me who I am, who he made me to be thus revealing himself more because I am but an image bearer of him Genesis 1:27- So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. He showed me that it is ok to like certain things and it is ok to use slang words! Now LIT is my favorite word. He showed me it is ok to get a tattoo if that is how I choose to glorify him. I used to always say that I would never get a tattoo, I didn't think there was anything that I would want to permanently be on my body and I thought that I would be looked at differently. I thought that by me not having any tattoos, I would stand out amongst other people and again be seen as the "cute little black girl". He has shown me that I can like Christian trap music! He has shown me that I can just have fun, be free and be me. I would always feel convicted for not doing my devotion time because I thought God was sitting in heaven wagging his finger at me and that's not the case at all. He's my FATHER, and he's sitting there waiting with open arms for me to come and talk to him and have fun with him because God is fun! How can He make fun people and He not be fun Himself when we are the image of him.
The past 2 weeks have been the most freeing time of my life. I'm feeling more secure in the Lord and who he's made me as a woman, daughter, sister, employee and much more. I'm learning God made me this way for a reason, and it's all for his glory. I encourage everyone to ask God to reveal to you the man or woman he has called you to be and walk proudly in it because he made you special.
1 Peter 2:9- But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you our of darkness into his marvelous light.
