How to Deal When the Church Hurts
Church hurt is such a touchy and sore subject. So many people have expressed feeling some form of church hurt in their lifetime and it seems to be an increasingly common issue among my generation. I hear so many of my peers talk about how they’re “done with” church and church people after they have been legitimately done wrong. Now, I am in no way, shape or form going to bash my generation NOR church people in this blog. I’m writing to provide a form of healing. My heart breaks for people when I hear what has been done to them and I also know how it feels to be one of those “church people” who hurt others.
Definition of church hurt: When a person has been wounded emotionally or spiritually by a member of a church.
Example: A person is gossiped about, a person is lied to or experiences spiritual abuse, a person feels they were abandoned or not supported during their time of need etc.
Let me just say one thing, IT IS OK TO FEEL HURT. And this goes for any person on both sides of the offense.
Like I said, church hurt is so common especially spiritual abuse, which is someone abusing their spiritual authority even in the smallest way.
So, let’s talk about how we should respond, deal and heal church hurt
1. Talk to God About it First- I know we (myself included) skip this step when we are hurt especially by other people. We have to first RUN to God and be 100% honest and real about how we’re feeling, who hurt us and why we feel hurt. By submitting to God first, we allow Him to begin to work on our hearts before we take any actions that may dishonor Him. Also, pray about the situation all while asking God to allow you to forgive that person.
2. Address That Person with Love, Honor and Respect- The Bible says that if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in PRIVATE (Matt. 18:15) and it also says to love you brother and sister (1 John 4:21) It is possible to do both of these things at the same time. In fact, it’s godly. So after you have spoken with God and prayed over your hurt, you have to address your hurt to the person that hurt you. We have to know that God wants us to handle conflict. Not handling conflict eats at our souls even if we don’t realize it. We become bitter, angry, distant and will in often cases cause you to leave. Leaving does not resolved the hurt you feel. Sidenote: In cases of spiritual abuse and more serious cases of church hurt (assault) I suggest speaking with a mentor or someone mature that you’re walking with before speaking with that person. It may be wiser to not address that person directly just yet.
3. Forgive and Move Towards Reconciliation- God is a God of reconciliation. He sent His Son to die in order to reconcile us back to Himself. So when we experience church hurt and we have talked to God about it and addressed that person with love, honor and respect, it’s now time to move towards forgiveness and reconciliation. The church is Christ’s bride. He gave Himself up for the church so there is no way we can love Christ and not love His people. 1 John 2:10 says Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. We are called to love our brothers and sisters and in doing so there will be no cause for sin and stumbling. I’m not trying to stumble! It’s super hard yes, but the more we focus on God’s love and grace and how much grace He gives us on a daily, we will be able to show that love to others and reconcile with our family.
Another important thing to remember when dealing with church hurt is to remember that church members and Christians in general are not perfect human beings. We have to remember that everyone falls short even pastors and we all need grace, love and forgiveness.
I’ve recently dealt with the effects of hurting members of my church. I caused people that looked up to me, confided in me and trusted in me to feel lied to and mislead and that was not my intention. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. People may not even realize how their actions may affect other people and that is why it is even more important to submit your hurt to the Lord, talk it out and move towards forgiveness and reconciliation.
I really hope this helps anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with church hurt.
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