Welcome back ladies! I know I have said this about a few of my blogs but I’m very excited about this topic here. One of the most popular questions that is posed when it comes to dating and marriage is “How do you know if a person is the one you should marry?” This question has different answers determining on the person you ask but one thing that is constant is one of the best ways to determine if the guy you’re dating is someone you should consider marrying is by ASKING QUESTIONS!
I know you may be thinking, “how can asking questions help me figure out who I’m supposed to marry?” or “what questions do I ask and what are these questions supposed to do?” Don’t worry, this blog will give you answers to all of your inquires.
Questions are helpful because they can quickly and succinctly get to the root and point of the situation. Now of course, someone can give you an answer to a question and then go on to behave completely different but, atleast you asked the question and can compare the answer they gave to the actions they’re displaying and make proper and informed decisions.
Another reason why asking questions is important is because it opens both parties up to digging deeper, establishing shared values and establishing boundaries in the relationship.
Ok so now that we know why asking questions is an important part of the dating process, let’s talk about what questions should be asked. This is only a list of 10 good questions but it is not an exhaustive list. There are more questions and even followup questions that can and should be asked but this list can help to start you off.
Lastly, these questions are all open-ended meaning they do not require “yes or no” answers. They are open-ended to allow your partner to answer as detailed as they like.
REMEMBER! Do not try to force the person you’re dating to answer the question the way you want them to. That is manipulation. If you do not like the answer they gave, first figure out why you don’t like the answer. If you don’t like the answer because it’s not something you would personally do, then that is ok but if the person is not harming anyone and it comes down to personal preference then let it go. If you don’t like the answer to the question because it conflicts with values you hold, do not aggressively confront the person. Ask more questions and get to the root of what they experienced that warranted them answering that way, let them know that you respect their answer and you then go and figure out if their answer is something you can compromise and live with. The choice is completely up to you.
What is your definition of family?
This is a good starter question to find out what your guy thinks about family, what he envisions his future family to be like and brings up questions about his current family and how he was raised. This will allow you to see if what he believes and what you believe align and if they do not, including the question of having children. You will find out if he wants children or not and how he wants his family structure set up. This also gives way to dig a little deeper based on the answers that are given. You can get an idea about what your guy believes regarding gender roles as well.What does being “financially responsible” mean to you?
Everyone has different views on finances and with it being one of the highest reasons that people get divorced, it’s an important conversation to begin to have. Asking your guy what his views are on being financially responsible allows him to share how he defines it. It allows him to share his ideas on budgeting and spending, debt, credit, wealth building and more. Instead of you asking specific questions to lead him to a certain response, ask him this open-ended question and based on how he responds you can ask more detailed questions.Have you experienced any childhood or adulthood trauma?
I know this sounds like a scary question but if I’m being honest and giving any marriage advice, I would advise you to ask this question before getting married. Childhood and adulthood trauma has impacted many of us in different ways and how we react to that trauma is very important. You need to know your partner's childhood history and what it entails. You need to know if they’ve ever experienced abuse as a child or an adult and how that impacted them. You need to know what steps they’ve taken to heal from that trauma and what residue they’re still working through to know if you’ll be able to handle that in a serious relationship and marriage.What are your views on tithing, fasting, devotions, discipleship and other spiritual disciplines?
This question is similar to the “what’s your relationship like with God” question except this gets right to the meat and potatoes! Ask you guy what he believes about tithing, fasting, discipleship and other spiritual disciplines and see what he says. Remember, these questions aren’t to get him to respond a certain way. They were just to get to know the person you’re dating on a deeper level and to see in what ways your thoughts align or differ. There are no right or wrong responses especially for this question unless your partner responds in ways that contradict God’s word. If he says he fasts once a year and you fast once a month, that’s not a wrong answer. It just may be different from yours. Your goal is to see if he is doing these things and if so how he does them.Have you ever experienced any mental or emotional health issues?
This question gets to matters of mental and emotional health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disorders and more. This question should be asked in the most sensitive way and with delicacy because you may not know how your partner may respond. As a follow-up question, you can ask if he is aware of any mental or emotional health issues that may run in his family.What are your beliefs regarding sex in marriage?
I personally believe this question is important but must also be asked carefully as to not creep into inappropriate waters. This question can also wait to be asked once a serious commitment has been made or possibly even an engagement has taken place. So what you’re seeking in this question is what they believe should take place regarding sex in marriage. What are their thoughts on how many times they would want to have sex a week, how long they would want to wait before having children, if they would want to explore different activities (only ask if the response will not trigger sexual urges) basically get a baseline for how they think marriage should be between a husband and wife. You may think everyone’s answer is the same and it’s simple but in reality, it’s not. It’s something that will definitely be worked out in marriage but it’s good to know what you’re looking at before you jump the broom.What do you think are your bad habits or sin areas?
Self-awareness is really important. It’s good when we can recognize our own bad habits and areas of growth. Asking your guy this question gives you the opportunity to see his level of self-awareness and potential level of pride. If he believes that he has no areas of growth or bad habits then that is a red flag that he is either blind or prideful. Pay attention. Also, don’t judge his responses even if it’s something you don’t agree with. Ask questions to find out more about the areas he mentions but try not to add in your personal judgment about what he says. He has to be able to feel comfortable with sharing personal and intimate details with you.What’s your conversion story/testimony?
This is a less intense question and can be an interesting one depending on the guy. Finding out his process of coming to Christ is a great way to get to know your guy in one of the most intimate, delicate and personal moments he’s had in his life.What’s your relationship history?
Now this question can be loaded depending on the person. Your guy may not have an extensive dating history but if he does be prepared for what he might say. This question will give you a good overview of how your partner has handled past relationships, what he thinks about women he has been in relationships with and he should share where he may have gone wrong in handling certain situations.What are your life goals and how do you envision a spouse being a part of them?
Ok last question! I like this question in particular because you get a chance to see what your guys passions are and what excites them. You get a look into what goes on in his mind and what motivates him to work the way that he does. Understanding his future vision and goals and how a spouse fits into that life will give you an idea of how he would like his spouse to support him and the role he envisions her to play. He may want his spouse to be a part of a future company. Or he may want his spouse to be a strong emotional support system. Whatever he envisions it’s important for you to understand and know if you can fit into that vision or not.
I pray this list of questions was helpful for you in your search to get to know your partner! Once again, this list is not exhaustive. There are many more questions to be asked that will come later down the line. Let me know what you think by shooting me a message!