Walk & Talk Series: 3 Ways I Grew in My Understanding of Sex
March is Women’s History Month and traditionally, I write blog posts that revolve around an aspect of womanhood. I’ve written about ways to feel confident in your womanhood and the characteristics of Biblical womanhood. This year will be no different and we’re celebrating women this month (well, we do every month over here anyway, ha!).
This blog post and the subsequent ones to follow will be a little different and may feel a little different so bear with me as I try out a few things.
Womanhood has been hittin’ differently over the past 2 years. I had always heard that marriage changes you as a woman but I didn’t know the types of changes I was in for. For a woman, the time spent from the moment her engagement ring is placed on her finger until the time she walks down the aisle is very important & honestly very personal. Although I didn’t experience the most pleasant engagement period, it taught me some of my greatest life lessons and helped me to become more confident in who God is shaping me to become.
Over the next three blogs, I will share three areas of my life where I’ve learned the most, have grown the most and that have shaped me as a woman. These blogs are. part of a series I call “Walk & Talks” We’ll start this series out with a very hot topic, SEX! I’m sharing how being introduced to unhealthy depictions of sexual relationships via porn at an early age distorted my view of what a healthy sex life looks like.
“I want my readers to reflect on their own womanhood journey noting areas of growth and areas of improvement.”
What I’d love for my readers to get from this series is a revelation. I want my readers to reflect on their own womanhood journey noting areas of growth and areas of improvement. Here are a few of mine….
If we’re being honest, how many of us can admit that as a child we received informative and accurate information regarding sex? I can say that I did not. Unfortunately, I experienced sexual exposure at a young age via pornography and sexual assault which warped my perception of sex and sent me down a path of destructive behaviors as a teenager. There is no valid reason why a 14-year old should experience sex in any form...but I did. I know some readers may believe otherwise so I will briefly explain my stance. When I say that no 14-year old should experience sex in any form, I do not mean that young people should not know what sex is, its function and its purpose. I mean that 14-year olds should not have sexual intercourse of any kind (oral, physical). That’s my belief and also my experience. I had no business doing some of the things I did as a teenager and I know for a fact it damaged me in ways I’m probably still unaware of but…God’s mercy!
What I’m getting to here is that one major area of growth in my life was in regards to sex and sexuality. Because I have experienced assault and was exposed to unhealthy examples of sex at a young age, my perception of what was healthy was skewed and that followed me into marriage.
You would think that once I got married and could have sex freely and without guilt, my sex life would be amazing. Well, that wasn’t the case.
“For me, sex was attached to secrecy, shame, guilt and unhealthy behaviors. As a teen, I desperately wanted to feel love or what I thought was love and I used sex as a tool to receive that “love.””
What I found was that it was difficult to view marital sex as a good thing that God loves. For me, sex was attached to secrecy, shame, guilt and unhealthy behaviors. As a teen, I desperately wanted to feel love or what I thought was love and I used sex as a tool to receive that “love.” What I didn’t know when I was younger was that sex would never be able to fulfill what was missing deep down inside. I needed to heal the wounds I had from being abused as an infant, being adopted, being exposed to porn and experiencing assault in order to view sex in a healthy way.
As I got older, I began the process of healing through therapy and my relationship with God. I healed those parts of me that used sex in exchange for love but that didn’t mean there weren’t any leftover feelings of shame and guilt. When I got married, I didn’t feel 100% comfortable being sexually free with my husband. I still felt as though I was living a life of secrecy. A part of me kinda felt like I was doing something wrong mind you, this was the first time I would be experiencing a healthy sexual relationship dynamic.
So I decided to get comfortable with what was uncomfortable. I did this by listening to podcasts that discussed sex in a healthy way (The Love Hour by KevOnStage and wife MrsKevOnStage), I followed sexperts began doing the inner work to transform my relationship with sex.
Unfortunately, I know many of your stories are similar to mine. You may have been exposed to sex at a young age and now you have no idea how to have a healthy sex life. Or, you may not have been exposed to sex at a young age but now you’re an adult and have no clue about sex.
Regardless of how your story began, we’ve all arrived at the same conclusion which is a lack of knowledge about what a healthy sex life looks like.
“Relish in the fact that God wants us to freely have sex with one person for the rest of our lives under the covenant of marriage.”
So here are a few things I learned about developing a healthy view of sexuality at 28-years-old!
Understanding that God created and loves sex!
Do not let the world’s perception of sex confuse you. God loves sex and God wants you to have sex with your spouse! And guess what? God even made special genital areas on women that have no other function besides providing pleasure (Google that if you want more info ;). Relish in the fact that God wants us to freely have sex with one person for the rest of our lives under the covenant of marriage. The marriage bed is undefileddddd!Knowing my body!
Did you know how your sexual organs function? Do you know how your body is supposed to react and respond to intimacy and sex? I got a lot of unhelpful and unhealthy information about our bodies from explicit images and videos and that was not ok! I had to learn through reading books, listening to podcasts and following sexologists that are faith-based and provide accurate information about sexuality. I would love for the topic of sexuality and sexual health to be explained more in church culture. I would love for the older women of the church to take the younger women of the church under their wing and teach not only about spiritual matters but about women’s sexuality and health more often. Knowing how the sexual organs on your own body function are very important, even if you are a single woman. If you are single and nervous about exploring your sexuality without crossing into sin, there are ways to become more informed without engaging in sex or being tempted by sex.Communicating with my husband about wants and needs
This is important because it takes vulnerability. Explaining to my husband my likes and dislikes was not always easy. Especially when there were times when I had to explain things I didn’t particularly like…yikes! But this helped me become more secure in my own sexuality because I became confident in sharing what I liked and wanted more of as well as what I didn’t like as much. I gained an element of control in an area I had never felt in control of.
Even if you aren’t married yet, knowing what you like (types of kisses, potential positions you would like to try, what feels good) and being able to communicate that to your partner will help in the future.
“My feelings of sexual freedom have not come from the world’s idea of sexual freedom.”
This has and will be a journey. As I’m still healing from past trauma, I’m continuing to grow in my womanly sexuality, sensualness and intimacy.
My feelings of sexual freedom have not come from the world’s idea of sexual freedom. My feelings of sexual freedom come from understanding God’s original design of sexual freedom. They come from understanding my body as a woman and a wife and communicating my wants and needs to my husband. And, they come from me relearning what a healthy sex life looks like between men and women.
I really hope the first blog in this series provided helpful information to you as you are on your own journey with sexuality and womanhood. I’m excited to share the next blog with you! That blog will be focused on how I grew in my mental and emotional health and how that growth completely changed my mindset and helped my interpersonal relationships.
See you soon!