Girl! Just Be You

A couple of weeks ago, I made an Instagram story. The title was “You don’t have to do these things in order to be married” and here were a couple of the things I mentioned:

  • Abide by the world’s standard of femininity, your style is your style unless you aren’t practicing proper hygiene

  • Abide by unbiblical guidelines just because other people have (i.e no kissing, no holding hands, no driving in the same car) Follow convictions the Lord gives to you and only you

  • Serve in a million ministries

  • Be “pure” in every single way at all times

  • Be perfect in following spiritual disciplines. Yes it’s definitely important but it doesn’t increase your chance of getting married sooner than God’s timing

  • Know how to cook and clean

I made that post after watching a YouTube video by a believer speaking out against “purity culture.” It reminded me of the many YouTube vides, Instagram posts, blog posts and captions telling women how they need to be more “this” or more “that” in order to “get a husband.” I’ve seen videos encouraging women to buy workshops that will teach them how to “manifest their husband”, how to be more feminine and other ridiculous notions and unfortunately, so many Christian women are being sucked into spending their money and time on these schemes.

I’m so passionate about speaking on dating and marriage (even though it is a hot topic) because there is so much misinformation being spread leaving women with unrealistic expectations, broken hearts and empty voids.

There has been a caricature made surrounding relationships and Christian women. This caricature of a woman wears heels but not too high, make up but not too much, has an outgoing and bouncy personality but also is docile, attracts the attention as soon she walks into the room, can cook and clean and is ready to wait on her husband hand and foot, wants a million kids, reads her Bible every second of the day and never thinks about sex. Sometimes it can feel like if you’re not this type of woman then you have to become this type of woman or you will not get married. I know I’ve felt the pressure to be more outgoing to attract the attention of men even though my personality is more reserved. And I’ve also felt the pressure of adapting other people’s convictions as my own when I began a relationship with my husband.

I’m here to encourage you ladies that are reading this post, YOU ARE ENOUGH! And anything you do to improve yourself outside of making sure that you’re in healthy spiritual, mental and emotional place should be for you and you alone.

For example, if you don’t want to wear heels and makeup you don’t have to. Now I’m not saying to let your appearance go unmanaged, I’m saying keep yourself groomed (comb hair, wash face, brush teeth, use lotion) but you don’t have to succumb to societal standards that claim all women wear makeup and wear heels. Rock your converses and t-shirts girl!

This next one is important. Unless you feel a conviction from the Lord to wait until you’re married to kiss, then go ahead and kiss. There is not one scripture in the Bible that says kissing before marriage is a sin, but a lot of people put their convictions on other people through a tone of condemnation and kissing does not prevent you from getting married. Now you and your partner should definitely be wise in the situations you put yourself in when it comes to kissing. The Bible does say to not put yourself in situations that will cause you to sin and to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthains 6:18) as well as any appearance of sexual immorality. So if kissing is too tempting for you and your boo then you may need to cease for a period of time. This also applies to actions like holding hands, riding alone in the car together, group dates and things of that nature. While some of these things are wise, they are all man made standards that people have adopted based on their own convictions or situations they’ve witnessed. They do not determine how holy or righteous a person is and abiding by these things will not bring you your husband any sooner.

Ladies, it’s normal to think about sex and have sexual urges! God gave every human sexual urges and desires to be acted upon in the context of marriage. Do these desires remain hidden until marriage? No, not at all. What’s important is how we as Christian women manage these desires and submit them to God, our mentors and trusted community. You will not remain single for the rest of your life just because you think about sex and have sexual urges. You are not “impure” just because you think about sex and have sexual urges. You are not “impure” if you’ve had a sexual past. None of these things disqualify you for marriage and if anyone including a potential partner tells you they do, they are not someone you should have in your life. God’s grace is sufficient for any mistakes you have made and our God does not have a condemning nature. (Romans 8:1)

Overall, I want to encourage my single ladies to know that you are enough just the way God made you. Your husband will love you for who you are and remember, any action that you took to draw a man to you is an action that you will have to maintain for the duration of your relationship. You don’t have to use tricks and tips to get a man of God to notice you. If you don’t know how to cook, you don’t have to learn how solely based on your desire for marriage. Learn how to cook because you want to be a better steward of your money or because you want to serve other people. I’ve never been interested in sports and before I met my husband people would always tell me how I need to learn sports so that I can entertain my husband when he wants to talk about it. I would always tell them God will bring me a man that doesn’t like sports so I don’t have to worry about that. Funny enough, my husband doesn’t like sports lol so we don’t have to talk about it. See how God worked that out.

If you have the desire to be married, it is ok! God sees your desires and He will fulfill your needs in His timing. Your single season is not a time to be focused solely on “preparing for marriage” (I’ll talk about that in a future post) it is a time to live your life and enjoy whatever God has you doing. Your single season is not the waiting room to marriage, it is a stage of life that has its pros and cons just like marriage will.

Just be true to who God made you to be

Love you and talk to you soon!