I Was Never The Girl That Wanted to Get Married

Before I was saved, I didn't think about marriage. I got saved almost two years ago and I'm just now beginning to desire marriage and a family and I know that can ONLY come from the Lord lol When I would have conversations with young women (most not all) about marriage, they would begin to tell me how they want the day to happen. They knew every single detail down to the flowers they want to carry and they've known it since they were younger. I would sit in amazement thinking that I was completely different. It wasn't because I didn't like planning or organizing, I just never thought about getting married. 

I've never analyzed why I didn't have the desire for marriage until now...

When I look back on the relationships and "situationships" that I had beginning in high school, I reflect on the mindset that I had back then. Marriage was never the goal in any of those relationships. Honestly, my mindset was just to find someone that would actually make a commitment to me. I just wanted to boyfriend. I thought that was "good enough". I didn't want to have children either. I'm just now getting to a place where I would be comfortable having more than one child once I am married. A lot of me not desiring marriage or having children stemmed from my childhood issues.

Growing up, I didn't see godly marriages or healthy marriages for the most part. I didn't see many fathers being present in the households of my friends and even my own household. I also dealt with my own issues that stemmed from my adoption at 10 months old that contributed to what I know now are my fears of having children. My biological mother had a difficult time raising me and my three other siblings so she gave her two youngest children (me and my younger sister) up for adoption. I carried the fear of not being able to take care of my own children with me for a long time resulting in me not wanting to have my own children until now. But God is so good! He said that once we accept Jesus old things are passed away and that all things are new.                                                                                                                                   2 Corin. 5:17

Once I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord, I was adopted into a NEW family. I no longer have the bloodline I once had!

The Lord is working and moving in my life. He's working on my fears, my insecurities and my brokenness. He's healing me. Because I was so broken, I never thought that I would get married. I was only looking for a guy that would stick around long enough to become my boyfriend. I didn't value marriage. I didn't see how holy and honorable the union is. But now I see how the Lord is making me whole right before my eyes. He has shown me the sanctity of marriage and how He created us for marriage, not just dating. He has placed the desire of having a godly marriage on my heart along with wanting to be a godly mother and raise children. He has softened my heart to the possibilities that He has waiting for me  and I'm so thankful. He has placed godly families in my life to help mold and shape me into the wife and mother that I will someday be. I'm learning that I don't have to have everything together to be a great wife and mother. I'm learning that God will show me the way and continue to work in me and that all I need to do is lean on Him. I'm learning to not be fearful of situations that occurred in my past but use them as pieces of my testimony.

The transformation has been amazing and I thank God everyday for being such a good father!